I thought of this yesterday when I encountered a situation so baffling that I sat stunned for a good while. And I realised that some (a lot?) of people don’t expect no. In part because they don’t ask for a yes even, they just assume they will be able to do what they want without any kind of consent or dissent.
Hi Kat, thank you so much for sharing that situation. I hope it worked out okay for you? I can relate to the feeling of bafflement on encountering someone behaving in that way. It's really hard to say 'no' to someone who isn't listening for 'no'. Which, of course, is why we need to teach consent at school. Sexual, relational, financial, emotional, and situational consent all depend on 'no' being normalised as the default. Only then does our 'yes' become meaningful.
Exactly! Fortunately I’ve not encountered this much but it’s really a strange feeling. I took some time to craft a reply which made my position clear. It’s trickier in person though and you can see how people are easily pushed into situations they don’t want.
How can we be sure the « no » is correlated with resistance ? Looking at ex-resistant villages in France today I wonder who would stand against a fascist threat coming from the inside this time, from France itself- and not coming from the outside Germans ? No is such an interesting one politically… Our current prime minister is trying to say « no » to ( or implement the disappearance of) a national holiday, in a large concession to the FN (an anti immigration extreme right wing mouvement which many villages in France favor) : the suppression of the 8th of may national holiday - held in commemoration of the armistice of 45. This gesture seams to want to erase our yearly commemoration of the horrors perpetrated by the Nazis. This being said, I’m so looking forward to screaming « no » at the protest which I know must take place very soon, against Bruno Retailleau.
Thank you once again for a thought-provoking piece. I don’t regard saying no on principle as wise. I have worked with people whose first response was always ‘no’ to anything they were presented with – it was foolhardy, and disheartening. I see people feeding wildlife under signs saying don’t feed the [relevant critter], taking photos in Buddhist temples in Japan standing by signs that respectfully ask that visitors do not take photographs, and in Aotearoa we have had people dying because of ignoring signs not to go into areas such as glacial overhangs. This ‘no’ response stems from a sense of entitlement, a sense you are exempt from the guidelines that protect others. Saying no to things you recognise as wrong is a different matter, it is deciding not to follow authority as many around you are, knowing they do so not necessarily because they agree with a regime, but to keep themselves safe. Currently many seem to be saying no on principle in the face of science and expert testimony when they receive information that doesn’t support the premise of whatever echo chamber they exist in. Surely approaching everything with an open enquiring mind, recognising ‘divisive algorithms’ or ‘toxic influencers’ etc. is a better way to go. Of course you can then say ‘no’, but you do so understanding why and not just on principle.
Thank you Alyson for bringing this important nuance, and for responding with your qualified 'no' to my piece! I do agree that the entitled feeling of 'this doesn't apply to me' is not helpful – either to the person, or to those affected by their arrogance. Maybe our 'no' should punch upwards. It should be clearing the way FOR our fellow human beings, not freeing us FROM our duty to our fellow human beings. Here I'm thinking of 'no' in Hannah Ardendt's sense, as a habit of mind that defends us against the acquiescence to evil. But, as ever, I have let my love of puns get in the way of actually saying that – so thank you for saying it!
Being able to say no might be a strenght… but as a French women, I rather appreciate when people know to what they say yes when saying no… otherwise, it could easily become a bad habit of just complaining to avoid full responsibility…
Meci Catherine. And…. yes! If there’s no ‘yes’ behind our ‘no’, I agree that we are just abdicating from our responsibility. How do you handle the situation where someone is hiding like that, behind negativity?
I thought of this yesterday when I encountered a situation so baffling that I sat stunned for a good while. And I realised that some (a lot?) of people don’t expect no. In part because they don’t ask for a yes even, they just assume they will be able to do what they want without any kind of consent or dissent.
Interestingly timed piece!
Hi Kat, thank you so much for sharing that situation. I hope it worked out okay for you? I can relate to the feeling of bafflement on encountering someone behaving in that way. It's really hard to say 'no' to someone who isn't listening for 'no'. Which, of course, is why we need to teach consent at school. Sexual, relational, financial, emotional, and situational consent all depend on 'no' being normalised as the default. Only then does our 'yes' become meaningful.
Exactly! Fortunately I’ve not encountered this much but it’s really a strange feeling. I took some time to craft a reply which made my position clear. It’s trickier in person though and you can see how people are easily pushed into situations they don’t want.
How can we be sure the « no » is correlated with resistance ? Looking at ex-resistant villages in France today I wonder who would stand against a fascist threat coming from the inside this time, from France itself- and not coming from the outside Germans ? No is such an interesting one politically… Our current prime minister is trying to say « no » to ( or implement the disappearance of) a national holiday, in a large concession to the FN (an anti immigration extreme right wing mouvement which many villages in France favor) : the suppression of the 8th of may national holiday - held in commemoration of the armistice of 45. This gesture seams to want to erase our yearly commemoration of the horrors perpetrated by the Nazis. This being said, I’m so looking forward to screaming « no » at the protest which I know must take place very soon, against Bruno Retailleau.
Thank you once again for a thought-provoking piece. I don’t regard saying no on principle as wise. I have worked with people whose first response was always ‘no’ to anything they were presented with – it was foolhardy, and disheartening. I see people feeding wildlife under signs saying don’t feed the [relevant critter], taking photos in Buddhist temples in Japan standing by signs that respectfully ask that visitors do not take photographs, and in Aotearoa we have had people dying because of ignoring signs not to go into areas such as glacial overhangs. This ‘no’ response stems from a sense of entitlement, a sense you are exempt from the guidelines that protect others. Saying no to things you recognise as wrong is a different matter, it is deciding not to follow authority as many around you are, knowing they do so not necessarily because they agree with a regime, but to keep themselves safe. Currently many seem to be saying no on principle in the face of science and expert testimony when they receive information that doesn’t support the premise of whatever echo chamber they exist in. Surely approaching everything with an open enquiring mind, recognising ‘divisive algorithms’ or ‘toxic influencers’ etc. is a better way to go. Of course you can then say ‘no’, but you do so understanding why and not just on principle.
Thank you Alyson for bringing this important nuance, and for responding with your qualified 'no' to my piece! I do agree that the entitled feeling of 'this doesn't apply to me' is not helpful – either to the person, or to those affected by their arrogance. Maybe our 'no' should punch upwards. It should be clearing the way FOR our fellow human beings, not freeing us FROM our duty to our fellow human beings. Here I'm thinking of 'no' in Hannah Ardendt's sense, as a habit of mind that defends us against the acquiescence to evil. But, as ever, I have let my love of puns get in the way of actually saying that – so thank you for saying it!
Being able to say no might be a strenght… but as a French women, I rather appreciate when people know to what they say yes when saying no… otherwise, it could easily become a bad habit of just complaining to avoid full responsibility…
Meci Catherine. And…. yes! If there’s no ‘yes’ behind our ‘no’, I agree that we are just abdicating from our responsibility. How do you handle the situation where someone is hiding like that, behind negativity?
Love this piece, and love that we both wrote about the power of No this week lol. 😊💖
Thank you! And well done for saying ‘no’ this week too :)
“He just grinned and shook my hand, "No" was all he said’
- The Weight
Ha ha! Love that song. Quite right. Thanks TJ.